Making a Softer Landing...

This morning, a mellow rainy Saturday, I didn't get to sleep in. Instead I was woken up to the sound of a chainsaw buzzing and it hasn't stopped for hours. It's not even a drone I can tune out - the stop start stop start still going oh no wait stop nope nevermind grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrind more and more...it's driving me crazy. Unfortunately for me, this is also coinciding with what I call a bad hormone day. To back up a bit for context, the simple truth is that every day I wake up, I never know exactly what person I'm going to be. Am I going to be the Courtney who's energetic and gets a million things done, am I going to be good for the morning and hit a midday wall of exhaustion, or like today, am I going to wake up with that yawning dark hole in my spirit that brings up all of the painful moments and piles them on top of me so I can barely function? I am actively working with multiple healthcare professionals to try to sort out the causes and effects so this is a work in progress situation, but I'm writing these words both as a witness of my experience and also a reminder that there are gentle ways to step back from that darkness before it takes over...

For whatever reason, I resist taking the medication that helps me in this state. I think part of it is b/c when I'm in this place it's very hard to think about taking care of myself, which would be a proactive state of being, while I'm stuck in a reacting state, reacting or more honestly, just holding on while I get the greatest hits of unfairness and mistreatment and unresolved pain looping looming through my heart and brain. I think another part of it is my own misguided judgment about taking xanax in the first place. I'm still holding tight to the idea that i don't need it b/c for my whole damn life (prior to recent years) I had never experienced anxiety or needed any help on that front. Hell I didn't even know what was happening when I had my first anxiety attack in 2017. Much like my first migraine in my twenties, I had no context for the experience. I just knew I was very much not ok. So still I cling to this idea that I'm not a person who has anxiety or needs to take any medicine even though my nervous system dysregulation episodes very much say otherwise.

Which brings me back to that chainsaw and that damn dark hole. Pretty much my day was going down the drain before it ever really got started. And then, talking to my husband (on the phone b/c he's working on a project in a different state), he gently reminded me that taking medicine right now would help me, and not only that, he said i should make my only project for the day to snuggle my pets and "call that a win". I mean who even comes up with this stuff? What do you mean I'm allowed to stop and take care of myself and lower all expectations for what I should be doing today and what million things I have to get done and boxes to tick and travel plans to worry about and christmas presents not bought yet and they're certainly not gonna wrap themselves blah blah blah insert more shoulds and self-induced pressure here. Him saying xanax to me is kinda like our safe word for my moods. I know to listen when he says it b/c I always need it when he says it and this damn chainsaw isn't going anywhere apparently.

So what happened next? Well I took half a xanax, put on my noise cancelling headphones, and turned on a chill happy moody playlist. Since then I've cleared away some dishes, got a load of laundry started, and felt compelled to write this blog post. No big things have been checked off my to do list. "Christmas Saturday" has yet to start and maybe it never will today but I've got time. I also posted a good morning in my facebook group with a gentle reminder to take a self-care and creativity check in moment with a song for inspiration to do the fun/nurturing thing. Who knows what's going on in the lives of everyone in that group, but most assuredly I'm not the only one who needed a reminder to take that moment of reflection internally and intentionally guide the day in a more purposeful direction. Please do that and choose the softer landing. Take the medicine you need. Whatever that medicine is. Doodle for awhile, chill out with some tea, lower the expectations, put on a playlist and stretch or dance or clean or journal. Most definitely snuggle with pets or people or squishmallows to your heart's content. I resist the soft landing, but it's always the better choice. Pushing only gets me further into the dark places.

Oh and a bonus of this approach, i have no idea if the chainsaw party is still happening across the street. i'm just typing away on this blog with my headphones on listening to pretty music.

love always,

courtney

If you wanna join in on this - the lovely song from my chill happy moody playlist is Matter of Time by Vanderlux, Alex Maher and my fb group is {Community} with courtney.

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